Hurting

I'm starting to hurt more and more every day.  Every night I try to force myself to sleep so the pain will stop, but it's always worse when I wake up.  Distractions are becoming less and less effective.  She ended a conversation we had on gmail last night when she said she needed to nap, I wrote her a wall of text, and never got a response.  I irrationally worry about her even though I know she's probably just ignoring me.  It just makes me think about her all the more when she won't respond.  It makes me worry and pine.  If she just told me to piss off, at least I wouldn't have to worry, and maybe I'd pine a little less since I wouldn't have quite the perfect image of her in my head for a few hours.

I do think some time off from this is good.  It's letting me think about things, some of which I already knew but when it came time to apply them, I let my stupid pride or emotions or whatever cloud my judgement.  Jenn's a passionate lady.  When she gets angry and upset, I need to just tell myself, "Look, she's hurting right now, just go comfort her and calm her down and we'll get through this."  However, being the idiot that I am, I just throw gasoline at the fire, and every time I get burned.  Why can't I learn from these things?

On a side note, I'll address something that is probably true, though I hate to admit it.  I know it bothered Jenn.  I've always felt different... I've always been different.  Sometimes I find this to be a good quality, but deep down, I don't know.  I think I compensate for it.  I go a little crazy, people react normally, and I think they're shitty for it and bad friends or w/e.  I do wish our relationship would stay between us, but I can understand I guess.  It really doesn't matter whether they were right or wrong, what matters is my behavior, and how I can change it.  I just wish me and Jenn could have a long, inside-voiced talk about things.  I think I'd feel a lot better going into it again, rather than jumping in with things unresolved.