Hurting

I'm starting to hurt more and more every day.  Every night I try to force myself to sleep so the pain will stop, but it's always worse when I wake up.  Distractions are becoming less and less effective.  She ended a conversation we had on gmail last night when she said she needed to nap, I wrote her a wall of text, and never got a response.  I irrationally worry about her even though I know she's probably just ignoring me.  It just makes me think about her all the more when she won't respond.  It makes me worry and pine.  If she just told me to piss off, at least I wouldn't have to worry, and maybe I'd pine a little less since I wouldn't have quite the perfect image of her in my head for a few hours.

I do think some time off from this is good.  It's letting me think about things, some of which I already knew but when it came time to apply them, I let my stupid pride or emotions or whatever cloud my judgement.  Jenn's a passionate lady.  When she gets angry and upset, I need to just tell myself, "Look, she's hurting right now, just go comfort her and calm her down and we'll get through this."  However, being the idiot that I am, I just throw gasoline at the fire, and every time I get burned.  Why can't I learn from these things?

On a side note, I'll address something that is probably true, though I hate to admit it.  I know it bothered Jenn.  I've always felt different... I've always been different.  Sometimes I find this to be a good quality, but deep down, I don't know.  I think I compensate for it.  I go a little crazy, people react normally, and I think they're shitty for it and bad friends or w/e.  I do wish our relationship would stay between us, but I can understand I guess.  It really doesn't matter whether they were right or wrong, what matters is my behavior, and how I can change it.  I just wish me and Jenn could have a long, inside-voiced talk about things.  I think I'd feel a lot better going into it again, rather than jumping in with things unresolved.

First Entry

I decided to start a blog since I've become pretty detached from everyone I've ever been friends with, and the only person that mattered in my life, no longer speaks with me.  I figured I'd be able to just write my feelings down somewhere, and let strangers make fun of me.  At least someone's listening.

Today was hard.  Jenn texted me last night about having some of my stuff (that I really couldn't care less about), and how I have some of her clothes.  This text comes the night after she says she's blocking my texts so that she doesn't make any more bad decisions, and that if we need to talk, I can just call or e-mail.  Whole thing seems stupid to me but whatever.  It's made it harder that she's sent me these.  I've been trying not to think about her, but when she leaves these texts, and having our dog with me, and no job and no friends, it gets really hard not to.

I feel like I'm learning a lot about the weaker sides of my personality while i am back in my hometown.  I have been much more productive and healthy here, so I hope I can grow and mature, and just fix my fucked up life.  I've made appointments that I'd been putting off forever while I lived in Galveston.  I'm seeing a psychologist next Saturday, but I just have such a hard time explaining to another person face to face, a stranger at that, things that I've only talked to one person about for 4 or 5 years.  I saw a psychologist when I was younger (16ish) and I felt like we made no progress.

I haven't had a best friend in a long time.  My girlfriend would talk to all of my "good" friends about me, and then tell me how little they respected/liked me when we'd fight.  That's a real kick in the nuts, but at least I always had her as a friend.  I've never been very open about things, and it really bothered me that she would talk to mutual friends/my friends.  I don't think anyone is in the right to comment on others' relationships, since they can't possibly know what all went on, or the context of things, and they are hearing one side of things.  But my friends are giant assholes.  One, Tommy, used to hit on my girlfriend all the time.  I also let him live in my apartment, in my room no less, while I slept on the couch all summer, because he's got his own issues and was having some hard times.  Now he's a dick to me, so fuck him.  I really feel like there was only one friend who wasn't jumping at the opportunity to talk shit about me to my girlfriend, but I can't ever get a hold of him. I really just want to up and get the fuck out of Texas, maybe even America, unless this is true, then I might as well stay.  Just kidding.  Please don't call any hotlines.

I guess the biggest thing that's bothering me right now about my former relationship is the way it's changed this past year or so.  It used to feel like Jenn and I against the world, now it feels like Jenn and the world against me.  She used to talk to me about things, and side with me.  Toward the end she would side against me, nearly every time.  She talked about me with everyone else, and my problems just got worse.  I know it's not her fault.  My problems are my problems.  She just used to help fix my problems, and I've never been good on my own, and that's what I had to do, and I failed.